The elusive constant
Is the pain we feel, of our own making?
Happiness is this elusive constant that we all crave for, but let’s be honest. Navigating this happiness is just an everyday exercise in managing and mitigating various forms of disappointments, unmet expectations, mismatched experiences and that numb feeling of pain that permeates our senses when thing’s don’t go the way we want them to.
In The Power of Now, philosopher Eckhart Tolle tries to simplify the reasons as to why we feel this pain
Moments of interpretation of events
At the core of Tolle's statement is the idea that our internal reactions to external events, rather than the events themselves, are the primary source of our suffering. For instance, if someone criticises us, it's not the words that cause pain, but our interpretation of them. We might take them personally, doubt our self-worth, or ruminate on them for days.
Attachment to outcomes
When we become overly attached to specific outcomes, we set ourselves up for disappointment. For example, if we pin our happiness on getting a particular job and don't get it, our attachment to the idea of getting the job leads to deep sadness. The event itself is neutral; it's our attachment that causes our discomfort.
Resistance to reality
Pain often arises when we resist the reality we need to face at times. If it rains on a day we planned for a picnic, we can either accept it and adapt or resist and suffer. The rain is just a circumstance; our resistance to its acceptance is where we cause our own suffering
Past regrets
We can’t control the past, but we sure love to replay our past mistakes in the dark recesses of our minds, because letting go of what might have been is so hard. For instance, break-ups are hard. But long after the break up is over, we still spend weeks, months or even years thinking about what went wrong and that perceived feeling of unfairness brings a lot more ongoing suffering than the act of the actual breakup. The event is in the past, but our mind keeps it alive.
Anxiety about the future
We can’t control the future as well. But the future is the hope we all work towards. Our quest for tomorrow while living for today is contagious. It can be a powerful motivator and drive people to do amazing things, but when that same driver becomes anxiety it creates a domino effect leading to sadness and frustration. Worrying about our future health, future life, future finances or future happiness can create simulations that can cause anxiety led pain. Some of our fears may or may not happen, but worrying about the possibility of that event causes more pain than the event itself in many occasions.
Comparison with others
Darwin coined the term survival of the fittest and survivability inevitably brings about comparison. The irony, is that while self improvement is the only path forward, our mentality is often geared toward comparison to define our own sense of self worth. This can however make us feel inadequate at times. Nowhere is this better exhibited than on social media where seeing a friend's vacation photos might make someone feel their life is dull. The pain isn't from the photos but from the comparison and the feeling of inadequacy it creates.
Attachment to identity
From our childhood we are geared towards creating our own identity. However, it takes years for us to truly accept who we are. It’s further complicated by the fact that over time we change and as we change, we redefine how we perceive success and happiness. When this perceived idea of success or happiness does not align with the reality we live in, our sense of happiness suffers a setback. The pain however is limited to the setback, but becomes much more deep-rooted from the perceived threat to our identity where we cannot reconcile who we are with who we want to be.
Resistance to change
Life is in a constant state of flux. Situations and environments that shape it but are not really in our control. Change thereby in our external environment is inevitable. However change is also challenging. By nature and by Newton’s law of inertia, human beings are often content to be in a rest state. A state of status quo, where they feel they are in control. Both this feeling and state are illusory, but it’s symptomatic to how we are as humans. So adjusting to change is often not very easy for us and the moment we resist it, we suffer. For instance, if our children leave for college and we resist the empty nest phase, we are bound to experience pain. The pain isn't from the children leaving, but from resisting the natural progression of life.
Seeking external validation
Validation is ingrained is us from our childhood. As kids we seek validation from our parents, as students from our teachers, as teenagers from our friends, and later in life from society at large and life partners. Within the social fabric of our community, public perception plays a key role in how we feel about ourselves. There is only one small caveat, Validation at its very root is associated with soft power. So when we seek validation from external sources, we give our power away. We let someone else define our self worth. So when we feel good when praised and devastated when criticised, it's our dependence on external validation which causes the pain, not the praise or criticism itself.
Lack of presence
Tolle often emphasises the power of now. According to him, when we're not present, we miss out on life which robs us of the enjoyment of living in the moment. We forget to live our present while ruminating about our past or stressing about our future. This can create a situation where we feel depressed at the perceived lack of anything to look forward to and develop a deep cynicism towards life itself.
For example, constantly stressing about work during a family dinner or while playing with kids causes stress. We miss being with the most important people in our lives and this often causes deep sadness and resentment within.
However, the pain comes from a lack of presence, not the dinner or the work.
In essence, while external circumstances can be challenging, and often are, it's our internal responses, beliefs, and patterns of thought that often amplify the pain we experience. By controlling our interpretation of situations and instances we can control this pain.
For doing that though, we need to be clear about our priorities and have the ability to let go of what is not in our control.
In my day job, I work for Google across a host of things. In my spare time, I write to learn and build products. You can follow me on Twitter/X at HacrkLife